I'm so done with doctors!

Last week I took Elliot in for a follow-up appointment with his awesome doctors at PMH. Everything was fine and Elliot is doing great, but the visit really got me down. I guess in my head I was really hoping that given the positive results of all of his tests so far, that this would be one of the last times we'd have to come back to the children's hospital and we could really start to forget about it all. Instead, we have two more tests in July and it looks likely that we will have many more "follow-up appointments" just to make sure that all of Elliot's development is on track and there's no damage after the meningitis.

I know that the doctors are just being cautious and want to stay on top of things so that we can give Elliot all the help he deserves (if he ends up needing some extra help), but dammit, I thought we were already in the clear. Knowing that there is still a chance, however slim, that he could have some brain damage and/or problems in the future was not what I wanted to hear. I guess I had convinced myself that we already knew that everything was fine and there was no damage. Now there's this slightest bit of doubt in my head and I just can't get it to go away.

I don't want to have to worry that he's hitting all the milestones on time and be constantly comparing him to other kids in my mind. I don't want to have to visit the doctors until who knows when . . . maybe until he's in school and starts reading and stuff? I want to go back to the happy place I was in before our doctor's appointment and be blissfully oblivious to the idea that there is still a chance of him having some permanent impairment because of the infection. I just want to forget about it all already!

I know that this post makes me sound a bit like a brat and not grateful for how fortunate we are to have Elliot home and healthy. And I do know how lucky we are, and I am very thankful. We have close friends who have a little boy who wasn't so lucky in his battle with meningitis. But, this blog is as much my journal as it is a place to update friends and family, and this is the way I'm feeling right now. Hope you'll take if for what it is.