Musings on Mommyhood

I wrote the paragraphs below back in June of 2009 and just now found it tucked away in my unpublished drafts. I guess I never had the nerve to post it. Now, two years and another baby later, it's fun to look back and remember just how overwhelming it was adjusting to my new role as a mom. Many of the feelings are still fresh in my mind, and I have a long list of other things I've struggled/struggle with as a mom (like how annoying it is that it takes forever to actually get out the door every time we want to do something, or how Elliot can crush me with a single unkind word), but now that I'm chasing after two little guys, I just don't have the time to stew over it, let alone write it down.

It seemed fitting to post my thoughts/feelings on being a new mom on my first Mother's Day. The fact that this just didn't get done, however, might be even more fitting since one of my first lessons in motherhood was to learn to let go of control, plans and any semblance of a routine. (These books that say that routine is everything with babies were obviously written by someone who has not actually had any kids.) I can assure you that this hasn't been easy for this control freak, but I'm learning to embrace "just rolling with it" and even enjoy it (some of the time).

I have noticed other positive changes about myself over my first four months of being a mommy too. For example, I've become much more assertive and able to ask for what I need (especially when it comes to Elliot) than I ever used to be. I'm not sure if this is a hormonal thing or a tiredness thing or what, but I really like it.

I also like that I'm much more forgiving of myself and don't beat myself up over every little thing that goes wrong (as much anyway). I can't help but think that all of these changes must be intended for the survival of the species. If new moms didn't learn to be more flexible, patient and nurturing with themselves they'd surely go insane. I also reckon there'd be many more only children.

But mommyhood ain't all pretty. In fact, it's the not-so-great things about being a new mom that were so blaringly obvious at first and so easy to rant about now that things are starting to look up a bit.

Breastfeeding: Holy cow! Breastfeeding is hard and so very frustrating! Things started out pretty horribly on the boob front with Elliot so sleepy and not interested at all in feeding (now we know this was because he was sick) and my milk less than plentiful. After eight weeks of me taking medicine to increase my milk supply, trying different nipple shields in the hope of enticing little Elliot's sucker, and pumping for hours on end and still only eking out less than a quarter of the amount of liquid gold that Elliot needed, I threw in the towel. It was such a difficult decision to make; I know that breastfeeding is best for little bubs, but I just couldn't continue the way I was going. I felt so inadequate and had begun to resent Elliot when I was pumping and he became fussy. It was as if I expected him to realize the sacrifice my cracked and blistered nipples were making as they were being sucked repeatedly into the horrible plastic funnels and should not expect anything more from me. Pretty unrealistic, I know. What's strange is that even though I know that deciding to give up on breastfeeding was the right decision for Elliot and me, I still feel guilty about not being able to do it. There's such a lot of pressure put on new moms.

Feeling inadequate and supremely unqualified for the job: I know that most moms can relate to this and for those of you, like me, who find it extremely uncomfortable to not feel capable, this period of mommyhood is excruciating. I kept reading books about how I should be learning to pick up his cues and begin to decipher the meaning of his cries, but I didn't know. He'd cry and cry and cry and I just couldn't figure out what was wrong. It broke my heart and I didn't know what to do and I didn't like it one bit. You can imagine how relieved (and guilty--for not working it out earlier) I felt when we changed his formula and at last he seemed so much less agonized. I'm so thankful that now, at last, I seem to be able to read his needs and know when he's tired or hungry or just wanting a bit of attention.

Saying good-bye to having any time to myself: I know it sounds extremely naive, but I honestly never realised how incredibly draining it would be to have someone with me 24/7 who depended on me to meet his every need. The fact is, taking a long shower or even a poo in peace are now things of the past. I am hopeful of being able to experience these things again one day years from now, but for now, my needs (even the most basic ones) are secondary. Accepting that my life (for the next five years at least) is likely to consist of many cold dinners, ponytails (because bedhead can be quickly disguised this way), and days without showers hasn't been easy, but Elliot's gorgeous toothless grins do make it a bit easier.

So there it is finally written down, the good and the bad, my musings on becoming a mom. I know that things won't always be easy, but I'm so glad I made it through those first few months. And I don't regret a minute of it.